F*** Xmas

© 2007 Stan Spire


Since I’m a family values person, I’ve copped out and replaced key letters in the title with asterisks. So if there are any inquisitive kids wondering about the title, tell the little bastards it means Free Christmas.

Plattsburgh streets are empty and still today. Instead of someone’s birthday, you would think someone had died.

What has died is individualism. Everyone is supposed to follow the majority. But for someone like me – no job, no car, no house, no family – I don’t have the conformity cachet to play in the reindeer games. Christmas is another day in the week, albeit a quiet one.

But I prefer not to get caught up in the seasonal game. No more fighting the crowds at the mall. No more impossible idealism about having the perfect holiday.

Everyone lives with the illusion that nothing bad should happen on Xmas. Peace on earth, good will towards men. Ask your local police about this time of year. More calls to break up family disputes. A bank robbery is less messy than calming down a domestic blow-up.

But don’t talk about that. Keep such details in the background. After all, it’s Xmas! There’s the factoid that years ago relatives would fudge the death date of a loved one by moving it before or after the holiday. After all, no one can die on Jesus’ birthday. It’s kinda rude.

Anyway, talking about death around the holidays might affect the economy. Xmas sales are vital. After all, that poor CEO wants to buy a new private jet.

No matter how stupid the ritual, don’t think, just do it.

A few days ago the national news followed the story of some jerk and his children who got lost in the snowy woods while looking for an Xmas tree. Search parties were sent out. The idiot and his kids were found, cold but alive. And what does the lamestream media call this event? A Christmas miracle.

Isn’t Christmas stupidity more accurate? If it’s so easy for an adult to get lost in the woods, he should buy his tree in a city parking lot. (And even then the moron might get lost.)

I Want A Flamethrower For Xmas

© 2007 Stan Spire


Plattsburgh – The City That Don’t Werk - will spend all sorts of money putting up useless Xmas decorations downtown as if that junk will draw anyone away from the shopping malls outside the city limits.

After every light and wreath is in place, the city claims it doesn’t have enough money for manpower to keep the sidewalks clear of snow. Every winter Pits-burgh threatens to bill anyone who doesn’t shovel the sidewalk in front of his home or business. But nothing happens. Some stretches remained blocked with piles of white crap. If it has the time, public werks might scrape off a few walkways before the spring sun does the job for it.

Well, I have the answer. Give me a flamethrower. A stream of fiery napalm will quickly clear away any clogged sidewalks. And I’ll take out those stupid Xmas decorations, too. No decorations, no need to put them up next year. That means more money to maintain the sidewalks in the winter.

Money that the city could spend on a good flamethrower.

The Blackmailer

© 2007 Stan Spire


Despite the constant downward pull, I refuse to sink and hit bottom, unlike certain criminal masterminds who appear in the news.

For example, take the case of the Internet blackmailer. He created a second identity with an online social networking service, pretending to befriend a woman in his community. He led the woman on, causing her to reveal the possible existence of an amateur videotape showing her in flagrante delicto.

Knowledge is power, especially inside knowledge of a scandalous nature. It was easy for the man, hiding behind his phony identity, to blackmail the woman. His activity moved from cyberspace to meat space. He claimed that he had the sex videotape and that he would give it to the woman only if she provided sexual favors to “a friend.” Actually the friend was the blackmailer using his real name.

The woman, with great reluctance, gave in to the threats. She visited the “friend’s” apartment on different occasions, apparently not suspecting that she was engaging in sexual acts with her online blackmailer. She tried again and again to get the videotape but no success. The blackmailer was bluffing; the tape didn’t exist.

But the story got out. The blackmailer was arrested and later he pled guilty to coercion. Despite his cleverness (or what he thought was cleverness), he didn’t get away with the crime.

Imagine the poor victim. This young woman must be jaded now when it comes to men. The terrible experience must leave a bad taste in her mouth.

Hopefully she’s wiser and won’t fall for another bonehead deception.