Thursday, July 30, 2009

Parade Of Irks

© 2009 Stan Spire

It’s easy for me to get irked while reading Parade magazine, the Sunday magazine supplement to the Plattsburgh Daily Fishwrap.

Take the July 26, 2009 edition. Please. Loaded with irks.

Some young star is on the cover, looking all so virginal and innocent. She looks familiar. Oh, ya, it’s Vanessa Hudgens. I didn’t recognize her with her clothes on.

She starred in something called High School Musical which must suck, simply because it’s a stupid musical. Anyway, I never heard of her until a nude snapshot ended up all over the Web. It was meant only for her boyfriend at the time but – surprise! – everyone around the world can stare at it.

Since High School Musical is some sort of Walt Disney – Mickey Mouse production, Vanessa took a hit from that nude snap. After all, WD doesn’t want to be associated with VD. According to Parade ragazine, she “apologized gracefully,” said she learned a lesson, and so “the whole thing blew over.” Sure. Just like those disgusting nude shots of that pop psycho phony, Dr. Laura.

The whole Parade blather about Vanessa is supposed to re-instate her clean high school sweetheart image. Maybe Disney can kick in the money for a plastic surgeon to completely re-virginize her.

Then some hack writer in the same issue talks about his good life after being fired. Lee Child – who’s he? – worked for a TeeVee company, putting in all sorts of long hours because he was building a future with the company.

Lee mentions that his father found a job he liked, stayed with it his whole life. Company loyalty means a great payoff in the end. It’s the American dream. What worked for the father should work for the son.

Of course, Lee got blindsided by reality when someone else bought out the company and shitcanned him to max the profits. To quote this idiot’s sob story:

“I felt betrayed by my own naiveté. The modern world had snuck up on me, and I hadn’t seen it coming. The rules had changed, and I hadn’t seen it coming.”

Bullshit. People have been exploited and fired long before Lee Child showed up. Apparently his father was lucky to stay with the same company, but that stuff usually only happens on 1950s family sitcoms like “Leave It To Beaver” and “Father Knows Best.”

Now Lee is a best-selling writer, he found a new career, a positive uplifting ending to his story that Parade readers lap up like tranquilized lemmings.

At least he’s honest to say not everyone can become a successful writer. He sums it up this way:

“I’m not suggesting that you become a novelist. In fact, I prefer you didn’t—I don’t need the competition.”

Ha, ha.

Screw you, Lee.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Black Belt Patriotism = Traumatic Head Injury Syndrome

© 2009 Stan Spire

Besides commie hippie college professors, another one of my irks is one-note actors trying to convert America into an Xtian theocracy, the yin to the yang of radical Islamism.

Maybe I’m overstating Chuck Norris’s POV but after reading his book, “Black Belt Patriotism,” the impression is that the USA was founded as an Xtian nation (Wrong!) and to save ourselves there should be no separation between Jesus and State.

Chuck has simple explanations for simple minds about complex problems. Take school shootings like Columbine. The reason why kids are killing other kids and teachers? “The bottom line,” declares Chuck-o on pages 113 - 114, “is that if we teach our children they are nothing more than glorified apes, then we shouldn’t be surprised if they behave like animals.”

Time to bring the Bible back into the classroom. That will stop sociopathic kids with weapons and bombs from trashing the place.

“Black Belt Patriotism” provides a few yuks to a cynical atheist such as yours truly, especially when Chuck looks only on the up side of someone, glossing over that person’s down side.

On pages 81 – 82 Up Chuck talks about visiting Republican political strategist Lee Atwater before he died, kissing him on the forehead. Atwater was a dirty trickster that supposedly converted to Xtainity after he was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor.

No, I don’t find the way he died funny. But what is amusing is a detail revealed during a Public BS TeeVee program about Atwater’s life. Someone questioned whether Atwater was a true convert. An Xtain gave Atwater a Bible to read. That Bible was still sealed in the plastic wrapper after Atwater went to his just reward.

But Up Chuck can’t be bothered with details. On page 115 he repeats the story that one of the kids at the Columbine High School shooting professed her belief in God before one of the psychos pulled the trigger on her. Her death was tragic, but, sorry, that didn’t happen. From what one researcher has found, the victim was hiding under a table and didn’t have a chance to say anything before she was killed. There was another girl who did say she believed in God but she lived; apparently the psycho confronting her got bored or distracted and let her live.

And to gloss over problems with the contention that the USA was founded as a Xtian nation, Chucky refers to Benjamin Franklin as “a presumed deist” (on page 75 for you chapter-and-verse types). Deists ain’t Xtains, even if Chucky Cheese calls them “The Founding Creationists” on page 95.

Chuck-o used to star in movies and on TeeVee, showing off his main talent, martial arts. After reading his book, I think too many of his karate chops to someone else’s head backfired.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Mainstream Media Can Provide Another Vital Service (And Make Some $)

© Stan Spire 2009

If you’re the boss, what’s the best way to fire someone – I mean, if your employees are nothing more than expendable parts in the money-making machine?

One way is to email them. Or tell them to stay home Sunday evening and wait for a phone call to let them know whether or not they still have a job the next day.

Minimize personal contact. In fact, no contact at all. Tell the shittcanned to stop by the office at an appointed time and clear out their desk. Make sure a security guard escorts them out the building.

This has happened to many employees during the Dubya Depression, even professional journalists and other media types. But now there’s a new wrinkle in getting out the bad news.

The employees of a New Hampshire newspaper, the Eagle Times, were blindsided when they suddenly learned that their paper was shutting down and they were out in the cold.

In an interview with a Burlington, VT TeeVee station, WCAX, a longtime Eagle Times reader was quoted on how he learned the news: “We heard it last night on the 11 o'clock news. It really surprised me and it is such short notice."

Hey, why not? The media have always been bringers of bad news. Now for a fee mainstream media types could provide a new service for insensitive companies, notifying unsuspecting workers that they’re no longer needed, hit the freakin’ road, pal. Just check out the 11 PM TeeVee news to find out if you still have a job. Call the feature “Job Watch.” Tell the now extraneous employees what time to come in grab their personal belongings. Remind them a big beefy security guard will keep an eye on them.

That way the CEO shitcanning his employees in such a questionable manner won’t have to worry about the shit being kicked out of his can.

To Thank A Skank

© Stan Spire 2009

Pimply tattooed sleazoid babe stands there, just holding the leash, her dog curled up while taking a dump on the grass, right in plain sight. No sign of a pooper scooper or plastic bags. Just leave it behind for some poor sucker to step into it.

I’m grateful. This gives me an insight to many people sucking up the air in this region.

The NENYland philosophy: Crap on it. Let someone else deal with it.

Jeff Jarvis Gets A Grammar Lesson (Tsk, tsk)

© 2009 Stan Spire

Over at a CUNY (City University of New York) J prof named Jeff Jarvis disseminates his opinions regarding the state of modern journalism and media.

What irks me about some college professors is that they preach but don’t practice. One recent item by Jarvis entitled It ain’t over bugged me. No, not because he used the word “ain’t” in his title/headline. It was something else. Thus this comment:

- - -

Stan Spire says:

July 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Take a look at your first sentence: “…since it’s 2000 high…”

“It’s” is a contraction of “it is” or “it has.” “Its” is the spelling for the possessive pronoun.

See .

Obviously you are one of those commie hippie college professors responsible for lowering both English usage and moral standards.

- - -

Of course, even a smartass like me can make a mistake, so I had to add this comment:

Stan Spire says:

July 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Correction: Make that your first paragraph, third sentence.

My journalism education trained me “good.”

- - -

The second post proves that even a lowly un-famous blogger like yours truly does go back and proofread his material one more time.

Anyway, your typical J prof would’ve marked off a bunch of points if one of his students made the it’s/its mistake in an article.

So far no response from the prof. Maybe he’s been busy with a commie party meeting or some hippie drug orgy. But that doesn’t change the fact.

Remember: when using the possessive pronoun, it’s its.

Or the remnants of moral fiber that still hold society together will be torn apart forever.

And then I’ll say: “Ain’t that a freakin’ shame.”