F*** Xmas

© 2007 Stan Spire


Since I’m a family values person, I’ve copped out and replaced key letters in the title with asterisks. So if there are any inquisitive kids wondering about the title, tell the little bastards it means Free Christmas.

Plattsburgh streets are empty and still today. Instead of someone’s birthday, you would think someone had died.

What has died is individualism. Everyone is supposed to follow the majority. But for someone like me – no job, no car, no house, no family – I don’t have the conformity cachet to play in the reindeer games. Christmas is another day in the week, albeit a quiet one.

But I prefer not to get caught up in the seasonal game. No more fighting the crowds at the mall. No more impossible idealism about having the perfect holiday.

Everyone lives with the illusion that nothing bad should happen on Xmas. Peace on earth, good will towards men. Ask your local police about this time of year. More calls to break up family disputes. A bank robbery is less messy than calming down a domestic blow-up.

But don’t talk about that. Keep such details in the background. After all, it’s Xmas! There’s the factoid that years ago relatives would fudge the death date of a loved one by moving it before or after the holiday. After all, no one can die on Jesus’ birthday. It’s kinda rude.

Anyway, talking about death around the holidays might affect the economy. Xmas sales are vital. After all, that poor CEO wants to buy a new private jet.

No matter how stupid the ritual, don’t think, just do it.

A few days ago the national news followed the story of some jerk and his children who got lost in the snowy woods while looking for an Xmas tree. Search parties were sent out. The idiot and his kids were found, cold but alive. And what does the lamestream media call this event? A Christmas miracle.

Isn’t Christmas stupidity more accurate? If it’s so easy for an adult to get lost in the woods, he should buy his tree in a city parking lot. (And even then the moron might get lost.)