Parade Of Irks

© 2009 Stan Spire


It’s easy for me to get irked while reading Parade magazine, the Sunday magazine supplement to the Plattsburgh Daily Fishwrap.

Take the July 26, 2009 edition. Please. Loaded with irks.

Some young star is on the cover, looking all so virginal and innocent. She looks familiar. Oh, ya, it’s Vanessa Hudgens. I didn’t recognize her with her clothes on.

She starred in something called High School Musical which must suck, simply because it’s a stupid musical. Anyway, I never heard of her until a nude snapshot ended up all over the Web. It was meant only for her boyfriend at the time but – surprise! – everyone around the world can stare at it.

Since High School Musical is some sort of Walt Disney – Mickey Mouse production, Vanessa took a hit from that nude snap. After all, WD doesn’t want to be associated with VD. According to Parade ragazine, she “apologized gracefully,” said she learned a lesson, and so “the whole thing blew over.” Sure. Just like those disgusting nude shots of that pop psycho phony, Dr. Laura.

The whole Parade blather about Vanessa is supposed to re-instate her clean high school sweetheart image. Maybe Disney can kick in the money for a plastic surgeon to completely re-virginize her.

Then some hack writer in the same issue talks about his good life after being fired. Lee Child – who’s he? – worked for a TeeVee company, putting in all sorts of long hours because he was building a future with the company.

Lee mentions that his father found a job he liked, stayed with it his whole life. Company loyalty means a great payoff in the end. It’s the American dream. What worked for the father should work for the son.

Of course, Lee got blindsided by reality when someone else bought out the company and shitcanned him to max the profits. To quote this idiot’s sob story:

“I felt betrayed by my own naiveté. The modern world had snuck up on me, and I hadn’t seen it coming. The rules had changed, and I hadn’t seen it coming.”

Bullshit. People have been exploited and fired long before Lee Child showed up. Apparently his father was lucky to stay with the same company, but that stuff usually only happens on 1950s family sitcoms like “Leave It To Beaver” and “Father Knows Best.”

Now Lee is a best-selling writer, he found a new career, a positive uplifting ending to his story that Parade readers lap up like tranquilized lemmings.

At least he’s honest to say not everyone can become a successful writer. He sums it up this way:

“I’m not suggesting that you become a novelist. In fact, I prefer you didn’t—I don’t need the competition.”

Ha, ha.

Screw you, Lee.